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As many of you may have noticed, I’ve been away for a while again. Not much social media activity, no new Reddit ads, etc. I’m currently nearing what I hope is the end of a much longer-than-expected hiatus from this kinky world, and am excited to get back and reconnect with everyone soon. The reason for my absence is that I’ve been struggling with my health. After spending weeks analyzing the ways in which I navigate this struggle within the online adult entertainment industry, I feel compelled to start an open discussion on the realities of being an independent business owner in the adult entertainment industry who also deals with chronic health issues. My health struggles are not something I’ve ever been shy about owning, but they aren’t something I’ve ever really discussed in detail within my work life either, and I feel inspired to change that. After all, these issues have an inevitable effect on my ability to be available to play and make content, and I want to be more open about that. A big goal of mine has always been to contribute to the humanization of sex workers, and leading by example is always a great way to encourage positive change. I also hope to help de-stigmatize chronic health issues within the adult entertainment industry, and to encourage both myself and other entertainers to be more radically honest about our own states of being. Warning: This blog post is going to be fucking long.
While I’ve always felt rather at home in my role as a Domme within this industry, I’ve never been a fan of the pervasive theme that Dommes need to be considered “perfect” in order to be worth serving. That is a rant for another day, but it’s relevant to this post as well, since I am a Domme who’s about to talk about the ways in which I am so very far from being perfect. I aim to be an authentic version of myself when working in the online adult entertainment industry, and writing this blog is one of many steps I feel I can take to honor that. My desire to disconnect the concept of success as a Domme from being perceived as perfect doesn’t deter me from engaging in individual interactions in which I am treated as a Perfect Goddess. My humanity doesn’t overshadow my ability to role play. When it comes to my overall online image, though, I want to be honest about the ugly bits, too. They’re a part of me, after all, and in a sense, I am the product I’m selling.
So, on to those ugly bits! Time for the world to learn a little more about Miss Kink.
Here’s what’s wrong with me.
First of all, I have depression. This is often my main reason for taking extended breaks from work. While I am constantly making an effort to better cope with this, it can still take a huge toll on me. Frequent breaks from work and hobbies is a common coping mechanism, albeit one I hope to engage in less overtime. I have both chronic (year-round) depression, and Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is like depression on steroids and likes to rear its head over the winter months.
I also have anxiety. More specifically, I have been diagnosed with Acute Anxiety Disorder. While this affects the day-to-day happenings of my job less than my depression, it can still play a role in my ability to be productive. Dwelling on the “What ifs” can be debilitating at times, and will occasionally cause me to avoid work in order to avoid the fear of being unsuccessful/disappointing someone with a potentially bad final product. Luckily, I know that this anxiety is not rooted in reality, and I am getting better at recognizing that with time and mindfulness exercises.
Last but not least, I have chronic headaches. This is a newer struggle I’m facing, as it only began in the Spring of 2016 as the side effect of an anti-depressant I was on at the time. While I did switch medication due to this side effect, the headaches themselves have remained an issue for me. More often than not, I am in some level of pain, mostly focused in my face and jaw, spreading up into the rest of my head. This pain has become easy to ignore when less severe, so most days people can’t tell I’m hurting at all. Every 2-6 weeks, I get much more intense headaches lasting 3-7 days. These range in pain level from “I can’t get out of bed” to “It hurts like hell but I can power through it to run errands, as long as I’m not out too long and can have an extended rest afterwards”. These headaches now impact my life on about the same level as my depression, though the “newness” of them has made them more difficult for me to weather as I feel less equipped to cope with them. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a preteen, and thus have a more well-rounded “arsenal” of tools to work with in getting through it.
I am very grateful for the support system I have in dealing with these issues. I am grateful for my friends, my relatives, my partners, the online community of entertainers that I am a part of, and every single person who has shown compassion and patience when I’ve had to postpone a custom video or a Skype session because I am feeling unwell. I hope you all know how much your kindness and empathy mean to me.
Here’s where I’m at now (as I write this).
Funny enough, choosing to share all of this happened as the result of me taking time off work after catching a plain old cold. Sadly, the cold that’s sweeping through my area has, for many of us, developed into a “super-cold”, spreading into the lungs and lasting 4+ weeks. I’m currently past the 4 week mark, myself. While my energy levels have mostly normalized, I am still experiencing physical symptoms of this “super-cold”, and I continue to waver in and out of what is luckily only a mild depressive state. I’m quite proud of how well I’ve been holding it together, considering poor physical health can often send my mental health spiraling. I’m also 3 days into one of those shit-storm, I-don’t-function-so-good headaches. It is a huge struggle, being held back from doing both what I love to do, and what I have to do to survive and maintain my “status” within the industry. In the past, I’ve chosen to try coming and going quietly, but hope that by being more transparent about my health issues and the way they impact my work, I can remain more connecting to my fans, clients, and work as a whole in the future, even at times when I’m unable to offer a lot of my services.
So now that you know more about me, I’d like to take some time to discuss the ways in which we can all be more proactive in the face of these issues. Of course, because we (performers/sellers) offer a paid service, clients are under no obligation to provide us with any support, really. I have always personally valued the business relationships I have in which there is also a sense of human connection and empathy, though, and I believe many of my clients feel the same way and value the more humane, “real” approach to our interactions too.
Here’s what we can do.
… As sellers/performers/entertainers:
1. Set different goals based on how you’re feeling! I used to have the same goals for every week, and if I wasn’t up to meeting them one week, the whole thing was just a fail. Now, I’m creating different “levels” of goals based on my well-being.
Having an amazing week with a high mood and a shit ton of energy? DO ALL THE WORK, MAKE ALL THE MONEY. Hustle to your heart’s content – Just make sure you balance it with self-care so you don’t burn out.
Feeling kind of “blah”, but still able to function? Make that minimum financial goal, and don’t worry about the rest.
Feeling so low, you can’t deal with people? Focus your energy on back-end work, and keep your goals small. Maybe this is the week you get caught up on some auto-tweeting, or you post some of your old premade content to PornHub for a boost in ad revenue.
Feeling like you can’t do shit? So be it. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, even if it means doing nothing. Just be sure your self-care includes a plan for getting back up on your feet. The longer you’re down, the harder it is to get back up!
2. Be honest about how much you can take on! Don’t accept that custom video order while you feel like Grade A Shit. Let them know you’re temporarily not accepting new orders, invite them to contact you again in a few weeks, and make a note to reach out to them yourself when you’re well in case they don’t contact you. It shows initiative and caring that you do what you can when you can. This also stops the whole “Going-back-to-work-after-a-break” thing from feeling so daunting. I’ve definitely delayed returns in the past due to how overwhelmed I felt by the amount of work I knew I had to catch up on.
… As buyers:
1. Buy clips! This is 100% passive income and is another great alternative to live sessions. It may not be able to replace the interactive aspect of a live session, but it’s a good way to hold yourself over rather than going completely without when we’re unavailable. Many sellers have a specific clip site they try to direct most of their buyers to in order to boost their rank. Find out what your favorite seller’s preferred clip site is and buy your clips there to help them keep their numbers up! If you aren’t already a member, I like when people sign up to NiteFlirt to buy my clips, because I get a referral bonus when new members join and spend money on the site. If you’re already on NF, I’m also trying to boost my ranks on ManyVids (ref link for any sellers who wish to join) and iWantClips (ref link for any sellers who wish to join).
2. Be patient and compassionate. If someone needs to postpone, don’t lose your shit on them. We literally run every single aspect of a small business, from customer relations to self-promotion to filming to video editing to performing to accounting and everything else that goes into this. If we’re willing to admit that we need a break, it’s because we really need it. Our services are also a luxury, so waiting an extra few weeks for that new porn is not going to have the same impact as, say, waiting an extra few weeks to get that leak in your basement fixed.
… As people involved in the adult entertainment community:
1. Seek/offer alternative means of staying connected. For example, if you’re a regular who often purchases weekly Skype sessions or phone calls, try going for a Kik session! Typing is a lot easier than putting on a full performance, and if you choose a text-only Kik session, it allows us to offer our time without the pressure of looking more put together than we feel. For performers wanting to encourage clients to take this route when you’re unwell, try offering a free premade video or some old photos for added visual stimulation during the session as a “thanks” to clients who are willing to try a less “intense” form of interaction. I’m personally a huge fan of NiteFlirt’s new chat feature (hit the “chat” tab at the top of my profile), which allows people to pay by the text. You only pay per text you receive in response to your own texts (so if you text me, and I send 3 separate texts back, you’re only charged for one). This way, there’s less pressure on me to be regularly present since payment is per text and not per minute or hour, and we can still chat and have fun. Websites like SextPanther (ref link for any sellers who wish to join) and ExtraLunchMoney offer similar chat features.
2. Be human. It’s ok.
While comments are blocked here on my website, I am opening this up for discussion on every platform I share this post, and will be happy to edit it to include suggestions made by people who choose to partake in the discussion!
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this all the way through. Thank you in advance to those who choose to spread the word & contribute to the discussion. Thank you to everyone who speaks up against the dehumanization of sex workers and the stigmatization of chronic health issues. Thank you to anyone and everyone I have not specifically mentioned who has, in any way, shape or form, made their own positive impact on these issues.
Best known as a site for buying/selling premade clips, iWantClips has expanded in recent years to include custom videos, phone chat, and a blog in which they feature articles written by site members!
A few months ago, I submitted a blog post to iWantClips that I wrote back in January 2016. The post was about the issues surrounding blackmail, blackmail fantasy, professionalism and personal safety. A few weeks ago, iWantClips notified me while I was on vacation that my article was approved to be featured on their site. Yesterday, it went up! I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to educate and inform new and aspiring industry members while being recognized by such a huge clip site for my contribution.
I’m always looking for new industry-related topics to tackle! If you have an idea for something I could write about, please don’t hesitate to contact me!
Look who it is! Welcome back. A little scared to be here, considering what I put you through last time? I’d tell you this visit won’t be so bad, but I’d be lying. Today, I’m going to strap you down, wax your junk, and then electrocute it! I’ll bet you wish you hadn’t signed that waiver now, don’t you? This is what happens when you don’t read the fine print…
Worship my ass in shiny, wet look leggings. Bury your face in my perfect cheeks before I lay you on your back and fuck you with my strap-on. I know how much you love it. Show me how eager you are to please me.
I may seem innocent at first, but you quickly realize upon coming home from the bar with me that I’m not so sweet after all! Turns out we won’t be having a one night stand, either. I’m going to use my strapon to make you my slut for hire! I order you around, knowing you’ll obey my every command. After all, I DID dig up a lot of dirt on you before bringing you home, and you’d hate to have your darkest secrets exposed, right? Now I just have to get you ready for all my studs to have their way with.
Get a voyeuristic view from beneath my feet as I play around on my phone, occasionally checking messages on my computer with my feet up on the desk.
Part two in a three part series! If you want to read the full AMA, including the responses of the other wonderful ladies I was answering questions with, click here.
12. My question is about kik or Skype sessions that you do. What percentage of your customers turn on their cam or send video to you, as opposed to those who just watch you more passively? Do you have a preference?
I do Kik and cam, and if I had to guess I’d say maybe 1/4 of Kik guys send pics/vids (typically slaves showing me they’ve successfully done as they’re told) and maybe 1/2 of my Skype sessions also involve the other person’s cam being on, often for the same reason.
I actually prefer being able to see them. It’s easier to give a more real/natural response to seeing them do something vs just going along with them telling me they did it. I tend not to believe them as easily if they don’t show me. =P
13. Any surprising or unexpected thing you’ve learned about yourself while creating content?
Being a bitchy Domme is extremely therapeutic. When I’m having a bad day, I love ripping into my subs. Funny enough, I have zero interest in doing so in real life, though. At all. I prefer “real men” in real life, so to speak. ;)
14. Related, anything you weren’t sure about at first, but turned out to enjoy yourself?
Most “character” role plays (naughty nurse, girl next door, etc). I always thought they were super cheesy, but if you get the right partner, they can be so much fun! I’ve had some amazingly hot role play sessions. I’ve had a few duds too, but I think it’s fair to say that no performer will ever genuinely click with every client.
15. Have you made anything that you personally think is your ‘Mona Lisa’, or does the personalized nature of much of content prevent that? I guess in other words any content that really sticks out as being something that you really nailed?
I have a handful of videos I’m really proud of. Sweet Domme, Extreme Tasks is probably one of my favorites. It was just so filthy and awesome. I also recently did a camshow role play where the guy was a rapist I drugged, tied up and castrated. I got really into the role and it was super adrenalizing.
16. Favorite toy in your arsenal?
Definitely my strapon. I love making men whimper for me.
17. How would you all answer to the negative things people say about sex industry workers? Ie, they dont respect themselves, dont they have morals etc.
I just wouldn’t. More often than not, you cannot change people’s minds, and I have better things to do than talk to a brick wall. I know I respect myself, I know I have morals, and I know I love my job. If anyone is willing to make such a bold, negative assumption about me based on… What, really? They’re probably not someone I want to bother engaging with.
18. What is your ROI (Return On Investment) on your adult industry jobs? Do you feel that you make a reasonable wage for the amount of time you put into it?
I’m very happy with my ROI, though I won’t get into numbers. I’ve set myself up in such a way that I make a lot of passive income, which covers the time I spent tweaking my website, posting on social media, taking/editing promo content, etc.
19. How has being in the adult industry changed your life (Lifestyle, personality, confidence, happiness, etc.)?
Working in this industry has affected me in a number of ways – More than I can even start to think/count. Here are the main things that come to mind, though:
It’s been a life saver for me. I’ve never really been secretive about the fact that I suffer from chronic depression, and if this were a “typical” job, I would not have lasted in it as long as I have. My job allows me to be self-sufficient while still being able to take time off as needed. I never have to worry about not having a job to go back to after depressive episodes, and going back to work actually helps pull me out of it sometimes too.
I’m much more “no bullshit” than I used to be. Standing up for myself used to be an awkward and sometimes pathetic affair, but I’ve grown a thick skin and have no problem putting my foot down when someone’s behaving disrespectfully or inappropriately.
It’s expanded my mind, sexually. I’ve always been fascinated by human sexuality and the things I’ve learned have been very eye-opening. I have discovered a personal interest in things I never even knew existed previously, and even when I come across something I’m not personally into, I still find myself intrigued and often spend time researching kinks I come across just out of curiosity.
20. I have a two part question I’ve always been curious about: how hard is it to act out a POV scene for your videos, and how much of it is improvised vs scripted? All the kudos in the world to you three (especially Faith, who if I may say so is a fantastic actress).
(Sorry, I know that last bit isn’t part of the question, but come on, everyone likes having their ego stroked sometimes…)
I find the POV stuff isn’t too difficult to act out. Just have to get into the right headspace! The tricky part is when some requests require a very specific camera angle (I’m talking, they send me links to other porn as an example) that is difficult to get right without a cameraman.
As for improvisation vs scripting, I actually offer multiple video packages based, in part, on how much of a script is involved. Heavily scripted videos require a lot more work since I spend time memorizing them beforehand. Winging it is definitely easier, but I always at least write down point-form notes first so I have an idea of how the video will go.
21. I’d like a female perspective, I’m 25 and I’m in school finishing my undergrad. I still live at home since I’m still a student and I can’t move out at the moment. Would you girls be turned off if a guy still lived at home? Thanks!
It really depends on the reason for the living situation.
If you’re either in a program that doesn’t realistically give you time to work, or you’re working on the side and contributing where you can at home (buying your own food, paying for your own transportation, phone bill etc) then I think it’s perfectly understandable and not a turn-off. I also have a friend who worked full-time while living at home, contributed while living there and socked away enough money to buy a house without ever renting in between, which was a smart financial move since renting is a sunken cost. I would have done the same as him if I thought it was an option, but I find I get along much better with my family when we don’t live together.
If you were an unemployed part-time student whose mom still did your laundry while you took no responsibility for yourself, I’d definitely find that to be unappealing.
22. Cats or dogs???
I’ve got two cats and I love them. <3 I'm not anti-dog, though.
PART 1: I look you up to return your credit card after finding it in the grocery store, but not before laying out some rules while stripping out of my clothes: You can’t dispute my grocery purchase, you have to jerk off for me, and… I get to pimp out your girl for a few days. You have to agree to everything I say if you want it back!
PART 2: You’re back to pick up your girlfriend and your credit card. I tell you about what she’s been up to while laying down some new rules. She stays, the card stays, and I make it clear that there will be consequences if you don’t continue to follow along with my wishes.